This is going to be one seriously long and sentimental entry. The topic? K-pop.

I have been a fan of kpop since the beginning of 2007. That's 4 years of dedication to a foreign group of artists that I barely understand and live halfway across the world from me. Nonetheless, I showed me loyalty through all the hardships and supported each and every one of their musical paths and aspirations. It started off slowly, where I was only a major fan of one group, but as I explored through this musical wonder, I began discovering many other artists as well. All who were very talented and motivated me to work hard in my own path as well. I loved watching them on variety shows or talk shows especially because it felt like I was there. I was also able to learn about their hardships as well which was what hit me the most. I was simply inspired by these artists whom I idolized.



I admit there were times that I became overly crazed. I had an intense biased passion for certain artists and there were times when I wondered why antis existed, when I felt anger or disgust towards a certain artist at one time. I put my bias ahead of other artists and refused to believe they could fall below any other. I still do have that feeling, but maybe it's because I truly do believe that there is no other artist that could surpass them. I don't want to name who my ultimate biases were because I wish to make this relate-able for any other fan going through a phase of growing out of fandom.

Fast forward through all those days and nights of missing homework or assignments just to keep updated with my favorite idols -- I find myself very distant from kpop now. I keep it with me because I hate letting go of the past. Especially a past that was so wonderful to me in every way. I don't know about you, but kpop definitely saved my life. It sounds cliche and impossible, and you can believe what you want, but I believe that it did. It seems like I should rather thank music in general, but back then, I was still a naive child hidden from all the beautiful sounds of the world, therefore music to me was just kpop. Because of that, I feel that I was covered by kpop. I don't know anything else but kpop. When my friends ask me who my favorite artists are or what music I listen to lately, I don't know how to answer. Of course, I could mention kpop but other than that.. I know nothing else. I know of the mainstream music that appears on television often, but I lack depth of the music that defines me.

Now that I am slowly beginning to relate to certain music other than kpop, I feel more liberated. I feel like it is time wasted if I don't spend time finding what I like or enjoy. I enjoyed kpop at one point but that was because I was more dedicated to the artists, not the music. There were those off tunes that were extremely catchy and I still find myself listening to them now and then, but outside of that.. I have no bond with the music. I realized what a special and strong power music has, and I want to embrace every single aspect and body part as much as I can. If I had to explain what I've become, I'd probably say that I am greedy for music. I am greedy to find something beautiful to my ears; something that pleases me in the privacy of my own mind.

Back to kpop... I feel like I am slowly letting go. I am actually relieved to let go but a part of my still doesn't want to accept that. It's not like I have to entirely let go because there can be music that I enjoy existing in kpop, but from what I'm hearing nowadays, I can't relate. I also don't want to let go of kpop because a lot of my friends were made with the common interest of kpop. I feel sad to let them go. I don't want to let them go. I have tried straying away from kpop when it comes to conversing with certain friends, but it doesn't work. This has already happened to me before, so I'm not that surprised to have this happen. It sucks to only have one common interest and as much as I try to inquire more about their personal lives and hobbies, I just can't seem to find anything else I like. These friends are all good people, but I am more picky than I think. I just don't want to settle for anything less than kpop. Anyways, this is my own battle. I have no idea what I'll actually do because I don't want to keep living on this empty lie of a lie where my friends and I are loosely tied by a fragile strand of string.


I have so so so much more to say but not enough words can explain what I think. It's not just kpop, but the idea of kpop; The general idea of what kpop is to me and what it represents. Kpop represents the past in me that I can't let go. It holds many sentimental reasons to keep, but I am so tired and weary that I don't want to even see or think about it anymore. That's the point of where kpop has gotten. Something that I loved so dearly and dedicated so much time, has become something that I loathe or treat as a chore. Sadly. But that's the fact.

P.S. I am not reading this over so sorry if the grammar or spelling is horrible.